The last few days have been quite difficult. Lots of defiance, hatred, extreme selfishness, anger, etc. It feels like at any given moment, either Adam or I are about ready to lose it completely. Okay, it’s not that bad, but it’s definitely more often than we’d like. It upsets me so much when we try so hard to love these kids, and they just push it away. We try to treat them like they are our real children, but they reject us, either actively or passively. It doesn’t make any sense to me. But then I think about what it must feel like to be in their shoes. Why would they accept us as their parents? They already have parents, some who have given them up, and some who’ve passed away, but they do all have parents. Also, these kids have been around a lot longer without us than with us, so why would they need this family? Some of them didn’t even live with parents or any kind of parenting figure prior to living with us, so they got pretty used to being independent. It makes sense why they would hate any parents. They didn’t “need” them before, so why would they need them now? We’re just getting in the way of them living life however they want.

Adam and I talked to a counselor yesterday, one who has a lot of experience with foster children. He confirmed to us something that we realized a while back: These kids might not ever accept us as parents, and if they do, it might be when they’re much older and not living with us. Our family life will continue to be difficult and increase in difficulty as they get older. All we can do is love and persevere, expecting nothing in return. I think now would be a great time for me to learn how to find my worth in God. (I haven’t learned that one yet.)

On a happier note, Adam and I are going out on a date tomorrow for 5 whole hours! We plan to eat Western food and take a long walk together. Thank God for Sean and Prang for loving us and our kids enough to help take care of them! Our kids absolutely love them (maybe more than us sometimes)!

And by the way, it’s not just the kids who make me want to rip out my hair. It’s like 100 degrees these days! Long black hair is just a JOY this time of year!

As always, please pray for our family. Thanks!

ISAAC’S STATUS:
Number of Teeth: 2.5
Last Put in Mouth: Zipper on Daddy’s backpack
Last Said: “Bow bow bwow”
Most Recent Discovery: Power strip behind TV stand
Favorite Song: “I Love to Laugh” from Mary Poppins
Color of Last Poop: Red (thanks to papayas)

Lots of laughs and smiles. What started as a usual Tuesday evening became a night to remember. Thank God for family.

I was reading my journal the other day, and found a common theme in many entries: worries. I can’t attribute all my worries to motherhood. I’ve been worrying from long, long ago. As I reread all the things I was worried about, I really can’t believe l ever worried about them in the first place. In every single instance, there was absolutely no reason to worry. It didn’t help anything. I know that it’s an issue of not trusting God and/or having some worry addiction (if there is such a thing). The weird thing is that I completely trust God. He has ALWAYS helped us through all the hard times and He’s taught us so much by going through them. I KNOW for sure that He will get us through parenting all the kids He puts in our lives. I really do know this. But why do I still worry? I have no idea. Would you please pray for this, as I can see that it’s a huge problem in my life. Plus, it would probably help my sleep habits as well! :)

On a different note, it’s so awesome to be a new mother. I’m in awe everyday of how amazing it was to have a new human being created inside me, and then giving birth to it. I am also in shock of how Isaac ever fit in me and how he came out. It’s scary to think about. Isaac is sleeping in my lap right now, and he’s just so fun to watch and be with. (Yeah, I know when he wakes me up in the middle of my precious sleep, that’s not my first thought.)

Here’s some random advice for you women out there:
1. Because of movies, books, and women who tell horror stories, I expected pregnancy, natural childbirth, breastfeeding, and recovery to be extremely difficult and painful. None of them were even half as bad as I expected. So, maybe if you go in with really low expectations, you’ll be pleasantly surprised! By the way, I highly recommend natural childbirth. Women have been doing it since the beginning and still survived! If you have any questions, just let me know!
2. Parenting books are sometimes helpful, but mostly just annoying! Be the kind of parent you want to be and ask God to help you. You’ll stress out trying all kinds of things that the books tell you about. People have been raising kids for centuries without advice from books, and I bet their kids turned out just fine. Just love your kids the best that you can.
3. Get a good husband! Adam has been INCREDIBLE, and I just thank God for him. He keeps telling me to just take care of Isaac and myself. He’ll take care of everything else (the house, the laundry, the other kids, etc.). It’s a blessing!
4. Diapers are the best present you can give to new parents. We haven’t bought any yet, and we still have enough to last us at least 2 more months.
5. If you breastfeed, you can say goodbye to any dresses you own for awhile.
6. People are always trying to give advice to pregnant women and new mothers. It’s occasionally helpful, but not always. (Yes, that includes the advice that I’ve just given too!)

Life is difficult these days for us. It seems as though either one of us (usually me) is having a hard time. We find it hard to be patient with behavior problems mostly. We want to see improvement and God’s power, but I’m sure it won’t be overnight. We don’t always know how to handle discipline, and we just pray that any mistakes we make God will make it work out for the good. I know we don’t have to be perfect parents, but wouldn’t it be great anyway? We feel attacked in so many ways by the enemy. He really hates us trying to love these kids and teaching them to trust in God. Please pray that while Satan is trying to ruin our family, we will know the truth - that God put this family together, He’ll help us each step of the way, and He’ll never give us more than we can handle.

I really worry about how life will be like when the baby comes. I can’t imagine living our lives with an additional helpless infant and all it comes with. Of course we are excited to have the baby, but I am fearful for the adjustments our family will have to go through and how difficult they may be. Please pray for our family as we have our little addition. Pray that it is a blessing that bonds our family closer, instead of something that creates jealousy and burdens for us.

I really want to be a family. I don’t even know what that means. How do you make people feel like a family? I try hard to make us a family, but I think that will just come in time. Adam keeps saying that we are actually quite blessed considering how abrupt our family was put together. I mean, we got our 12-year-old daughter 8 months ago, and a 15-year-old son 2 months ago. What should we expect? Probably much worse! But God is good. Please do pray that God would bond each of us to each other with trust and love.

In the hard times, I am reminded of some things Emmet told us while he was here visiting in September. I was having a very tough time with the new adjustments to having Matt and Sandra, homeschooling them, and trying to make a family. All I was thinking about was the worries. Emmet told me that I wasn’t thinking about all the wonderful things God’s blessed us with. I have an amazing husband who loves me SO SO much, supports me more than I could ever want, and who puts God first. Emmet also said that it’s a blessing to want God and pray to Him all the time. I feel desperate in the hard times, but it’s true that I’ve never depended on Him so much. That’s exactly where He wants us all. When times are great, I don’t really feel the need for Him, and I don’t spend much time with Him. But when times are hard, I’m seeking Him because I know He’s the only one who can help. And when He helps, He gets the praise! Thank God for that!

Adam and I are incredibly blessed though. We pray for the kids all the time, that they would know God’s love and truth. God has been amazing by giving us two kids who have really accepted Him as the truth. We weren’t sure how Matt would handle living in a Christian home, but thank God he just has faith. A few days ago, Matt had some breathing problems while he was trying to go to sleep. He prayed and immediately God helped him breathe easily and calmly. His words were, “God really does answer prayer!” Over the past 8 months, Sandra has had many incidents of the enemy attacking her and trying to lie to her. God has taught her and blessed her with the strength to say no to the enemy. Plus, He has really been helping her to take responsibility for her actions and convicts her to make things right with people she has wronged. Just out of the blue, she will apologize for things that happened much earlier. It was so surprising for us, but we knew it was God’s conviction touching her heart.

On a different note, we just had a baby appointment today. I’m at 35 weeks now, and it won’t be long! The doctor gave us the talk about when we might be in labor, so it’s really coming soon! He said that everything is looking great with me and the baby, so that’s a blessing! Praise God that it has been a rather easy pregnancy (compared to many others I’ve heard). He is good!

I really miss you all and hope you’re all well. If you have a chance, let me know how you’re doing! I still don’t have many friends here, so it would be great to hear from my old friends and family!

I am so incredibly thankful to have Adam to be such a loving husband and now father. He wants so much to love both me and Sandra, and sacrifices so much in order to show us each individually. He also is giving me a day off every Friday, so I can run errands, take a break, and prepare for the next week. He’ll be in charge of school on Fridays and will be able to teach the subjects he’s gifted in (e.g. computers, art, music, etc.) in addition to the other regular subjects.

Daily life has been just fine. Monday through Friday we get up and Adam leads a Bible study for us, which is great because I’m learning so much more now that we have to explain it in simple terms for Sandra. We then have breakfast and Daddy (Adam) leaves for work and kisses us goodbye. Sandra and I do homeschooling for the day and we end when we end. (Did I mention that Sandra is in 5th grade, the same grade that I taught and loved to teach back in California? Praise God!). After school is over, we either go to Im Jai, run errands, spend time with other families with kids, or just take care of things at home. Adam comes home and gets attacked by Sandra and me with hugs. We then have dinner (sometimes Thai, sometimes good, old American). Two days of the week, we have Thai class at home, where the biggest problem is getting Sandra to entertain herself and not bother us. Then, it’s read aloud (currently it’s Stone Fox), and prayer time in Sandra’s bedroom. Finally, Adam and I get our alone time and usually end up spending most of the time talking about Sandra. Saturdays we will do our chores, probably go to Im Jai, and have Family Night (some fun activity that we can all agree on). Sundays are church and relax as much as possible. Of course, intertwined with all these activities, we have to teach good habits, discipline (which involves taking away allowance and time-outs), and love, love, love, with patience, self-control, and gentleness, and some more patience.

Anyway, please pray for us for the following:
1. Our marriage to stay strong.
2. Sandra to know and love Jesus.
3. Our relationship with God.
4. Wisdom in making decisions in regards to Sandra.

1. I’ve had this strange extra skin on my lower right eyelid for years, maybe even since birth. I’ve had my sister Diane (an opthamologist) look at it, and she said it wasn’t anything harmful and even volunteered to remove it for me. I refused, mostly because I didn’t care and was afraid it would hurt. Anyway, last week my eyes were extremely itchy and the extra skin was really irritated. I prayed to God one night for it to get better and not bother me anymore. The next morning, I woke up and rubbed my eyes like usual, and something felt different. I looked in the mirror and that extra skin was gone! I didn’t expect God to answer in this way, but this was way better than just making the pain go away. Praise God!

2. Adam and I have been praying for more one-on-one time with some of the kids here. Many of them would rather play with their peers than spend one-on-one time with an adult with poor Thai language abilities. One morning, I prayed that God would bring Adam a good conversation with any of the kids that day, and guess what happened? That same day, one of the teen boys came up to Adam and asked him if he would be willing to teach him English regularly, one-on-one. Yea God!! :)

3. On that same subject, there is a teen girl here that I spend a lot of time with. She used to demand almost all of my time and attention at Im Jai, and while I enjoyed being with her, I really missed hanging out with the other kids, and she became jealous whenever I spent time with others. I didn’t know the solution since I wanted to still spend alone time with her and also the others. God gave me the idea to have a scheduled, weekly time with her to hang out and make sure it happens every week. I told her that, and she said she had already thought of that idea as well. Since then, we’ve met every week to hang out and pray, and now I have time with the other children as well.

4. Also on the subject of spending individual time with the kids, one of my responsibilities here is to teach piano to two specific girls. Since I began to teach those two, I have had 8 more children ask me to teach them as well, so now I get to spend individual time with 10 kids.

5. Everyone at Im Jai went out to dinner last week at one of those buffets where you cook all your food by yourself on a hot pot at your table. Each adult had to sit with some kids so they could help them cook the food. Adam had been cooking and serving the kids at his table the entire meal. While Adam got more and more hungry, these kids were just enjoying Adam’s service without being very thankful to him. Then, all of a sudden, one of the kids pulled off a piece of fried pork (Adam’s absolute favorite), and put in on Adam’s plate. Adam didn’t even pray for that, but he knew it was God!

Thank God for His blessings!

Ten Years Ago:
I just started university at UCSD. I think I met Adam for the first time 10 years ago this month.

Five Years Ago:
Just got married. Started substitute teaching.

One Year Ago:
Started to get rid of possessions I didn’t want to take to Thailand.

One Day Ago:
Enjoying a day off with Adam and some other friends. Celebrated Adam’s birthday. Ate pesto for the first time since America. YUM!

One Hour Ago:
Being frustrated about an incident at the orphanage involving a child stealing a staff member’s key. Getting ready to pray for the teenagers for their finals.

Five Favorite Snacks:
Rotee (It’s like a crepe with sweetened condensed milk and sugar and whatever else you want. You don’t have it in America. You wish you did.) — Direct quote from Adam. Totally true.
Ribs
Ice cream
Sour chewy candy (you can’t find it in Thailand - grrrrr.)
Potatoes almost in any form (french fries, chips, hash, hash browns, etc.)

Five Songs I Know the Words to:
There are way too many! It’s hard to choose which 5 to say. I don’t like this question!

What I would do with 5 Millon Dollars:
Ask God what to do. But if He said to do whatever I choose, I would try to provide food, shelter, and Jesus’ love to the poor in Thailand.

5 Places I would escape to for a while:
Heaven (forever, not just for a while)
The ocean
Any quiet place outdoors where I could be alone and feel safe
Any quiet place where I could be alone with Adam for a long time without any responsibilities
My old couch in my old condo with my old friends

5 Things I would not wear:
Hats
White (I always stain it on the first wearing.)
Makeup
Anything uncomfortable
Jewelry (except my wedding ring, of course)

5 Favorite TV Programs:
Friends
Growing Pains
Cosby Show
Basically, anything that reminds me of my childhood (life was way less complicated then)

5 Greatest Joys:
Feeling the touch of God through the Holy Spirit
Adam
When God speaks to people and they are encouraged
Serving with Jesus’ heart
When you know someone loves you

5 Favorite Toys:
How about just 5 favorite things?
A really comfy bed with soft sheets
Instruments played by talented people
CD player
Oven for baking! (hard to find in Thai houses)
A computer hooked up to the Internet

5 People I will tag to play:
Don’t worry, I won’t! How about 5 people that I would love to play Tag with in Thailand? Adam, Sean, and ALL of the kids at Im Jai

I was complaining to God (for the millionth time) about not being able to see Him, touch Him, or hear Him. I longed for Him to be real like the way Adam is real. I sometimes don’t feel close to Him because I don’t feel His touch and can’t see Him. I wanted so much to talk to Him and be able to look at Him and know He’s there. That day, I was feeling pretty lonely and sad about moving to Thailand and not having many close friends here. I knew God was always around, so I asked Him to be real.

That night, God gave me this amazing vision: An intensely bright object came towards me. It was so blinding that I was scared beyond belief. I yelled to it, “Who are you?” and it answered, “The Holy Spirit”. I didn’t know what to do, so I tried to hide. Then, in my fear, He came close to me and began to hug me and touch me. The feeling was so good, so refreshing, and so real. I had never before felt that much love and goodness all over me. It satisfied my soul more than I ever knew possible. I started to think about Adam and about all the friends that I missed, and I realized so clearly that none of these things mattered at all anymore. I was loved by GOD and that was the only thing I needed. I really knew it!

After years of praying for Him to be real, He gave me this vision. But I realize that through all those years, He has been real the entire time. This was a wonderful experience, and I will forever be blessed by it, but I know He didn’t take all those years to answer my prayers. He’s always been real, but I usually don’t notice. Sometimes I wish He would be real in the ways that I want, but He just does whatever He wants to do, and that’s okay. I think if we ask Him and pay attention, we’ll see signs of His presence every single moment of every day. Experiences like this one are great, but I don’t need them to prove His presence.

(But, if God wants to bless me with more of these visions, no complaints here!)

God’s been doing lots of amazing things as usual. Specifically, He has been exposing a LOT of issues in me that really need healing and love. For those who are interested and/or want to pray, some of these issues include 1) serving people for the wrong reasons (i.e. not for Jesus), 2) unhealthy comparisons of people to others (judging people by some made-up standard in my mind), and 3) feeling the need to have responsibilities and do things (not knowing how to rest).

It’s strange how going through this is so hard and yet soooo good. When I’m first faced with the exposure of my shortcomings, I immediately get defensive and angry, usually with the person who brought it up (these days it’s God, Adam, or Sean). I just want to deny it and be done with it. But that doesn’t happen. God doesn’t let me go like that. He keeps digging deeper until I am really sick of myself and feeling pretty depressed. It could end like that, but it doesn’t. He’s too good! He then shows me over and over again of how much He loves me, not despite my shortcomings, but before my shortcomings ever existed, before the creation of the world, because He just does. And it’s because He loves me so much that I want to change, not to gain His love, but as a result of it.

The process of healing is painful, but entirely worth it. It reminds me of my “fights” with Adam. Some of those times are incredibly difficult and make me want to give up on everything. Those are the lowest and most depressing times. But when we get through it (because of God we always do), we’ve learned so much about ourselves and the other, and grow closer and become better.

I used to be scared of fighting with Adam, because it was just plain hard to deal with. But now, I don’t mind so much. I know that in the end, we’ll know each other better, we’ll love each other still, and everything will be “okay”. I think it’s the same with God. When He exposes hard issues in my life that He wants to heal, I used to be scared because it was too hard to deal with. Now, I know that in the end, I’ll know Him better, we’ll still love each other, and everything will be okay, and not just okay but WAY better.