Itsara

(More pictures here.)

Day 2. He’s adjusting and so are we.

He slept well last night. Getting him to sleep has proven no more difficult than putting Isaac to sleep. He’s used to sleeping in a relatively loud children’s home, so he’s a heavy sleeper.

He was somewhat frightened when he woke up. He clung to Cindy tightly and wouldn’t be comforted until we gave him some food. Then he was fine.

Isaac and Abby like him just fine, but Nathan doesn’t hang out with them as much as they hang out with each other. That’s normal, of course. He doesn’t know them. And I can’t expect a couple of two-year-olds to invite Nathan to play with them.

He exhibits what I now consider normal behavior for a kid who’s grown up in a children’s home. He’s quick to play and flash toothy-grins, but slow to respond to love, to laugh, or to give real heartfelt smiles. Discipline leaves him scared, almost terrified, of me.

This stuff isn’t new to us. In fact, it’s interesting to see the similarities between his behavior and that of Lutiya, for example, when she first came to us.

It took over a year before Lutiya really started to respond to my love – really started to treat me like I was her dad. When she arrived, she cried herself to sleep; she hardly listened to commands, requests, or discipline we gave her; and she openly distrusted our love. Now she hugs me, she wants to play games with me, she speaks English with me for fun, and she wants to please us – she hardly requires any discipline at all.

I often forget what she used to be like. These past 24 hours with Nathan, I’ve been reminding myself over and over of the change in Lutiya and all of our other kids. Reminding myself that it’s only a matter of time and love.

Another thing is I feel guilty for giving Nathan the same kind of love I give Isaac. I feel guilty in the other direction too: for giving Isaac love when Nathan is right there. I can’t win.

What’s worse, the love I show Nathan is still forced. I don’t feel it the way I do with Isaac. But then I’ve known Isaac for 2 years now. Isaac knows me, he responds to me, he talks with me, he runs up and hugs me because he misses me. How can I expect Nathan to do any of that yet?

Once again, I’m forced to deal with the question: what is love, really? Is it the feelings I feel? I know it can’t be. A love based on feelings is pathetic compared to the picture Paul painted to the Corinthians. But actions without feeling seem so hollow, even hypocritical, when the very same actions towards Isaac have so much emotion behind them.

I’m not worried, just thinking. I know it’s only a matter of time. I know what helps is that I want my love for him to be real. I want it to be more than hollow action, and I know from experience that eventually it will be. This is just the hard part of the job.