Itsara

We went to see the houses again yesterday. It’s the first time I’d seen them in a couple of weeks. On our house, the walls are up on the first floor and they’re putting pipes and boxes into the walls for the electrical work (switches and outlets). The stairs are in and I got to stand on our balcony for the first time. We got a nice view, I’ll have to take a picture of it for you sometime. I said to Sean, “Now just so long as nobody builds anything between here and the mountain.” Of course World Club owns all the undeveloped land that I was looking at, but it’s nice for now at least.

Sean’s house has the walls almost all done upstairs as well. The houses are really coming along, though it is something of a headache for Sean. He’s there almost everyday checking up on the work and making sure it goes according to plan. A lot more often than we’d like, he finds things that aren’t exactly how they should be. He has to be on them all the time to make sure things are right. I’m glad he’s there to do that, cuz as much of a headache as this is now, it would be far worse if we found out about all these things all at once at the end.

Here at home, things are okay. We’re still struggling with parenting, but the good times come and go. It’s not like it’s all rough times and hopelessness. Cindy’s parents were here for a week, and it was really a blessing. Really. I know that last year I mentioned some culture and authority clashes, but I think all of us learned since then. It helps that Isaac doesn’t need his mom as much now, so they would just take him and disappear for a few hours while we magically found ourselves with free time. It was really kinda cool. Cindy’s mom is coming back from Bangkok next Monday to spend some more time here before going back to America.

There. It’s not everything, but that’s a lot of what’s been going on this past week or so.

Parenting is a strange job. Parenting partially-raised and often-broken kids is even stranger. I think we are doing the right thing by treating them, and having them treat us, like we are their real parents. But sometimes I feel like we’re fooling ourselves. I admit to them quite readily that I am not their real father – I’m not trying to trick them – but they need to know the unconditional love that only a father and mother can possibly give.

I’m starting to think that I have to hold both hope and hopelessness in my heart simultaneously. It sounds like doublethink, but it’s not. I must have hope for them, that much is obvious. I must always hold onto the hope that they will be healed, that they will love Jesus and know him better than I do, that they will accept our love as fully as little Isaac does. If I don’t have that hope, I have nothing.

But at the same time, there is a good chance that, for some of these kids, that may never happen. When I am faced with that realization because of something one of them says or does, my hope is shattered and I feel, once again, like I’ve been fooling myself. Sometimes, in order to just get through the day, I have to accept the fact that all my work and all my love may have no effect in the end. I am just the nurse, not the doctor, and if they choose not to follow the doctor’s orders there is little I can do about it.

It’s a weird thing. I have to love with everything that I am and more, but I have to expect absolutely nothing in return. If I am loving them for the results, I will get burnt out really quickly. I’ve talked about something like this before. I have to get my results directly from Jesus, because I may never see results in this life.

I have to have hope because… well because without hope there is nothing, and as long as there is any kind of hope I have to cling to it. But sometimes I think I have to accept the hopelessness too, if only to get me through the day. Is this what it’s like for the persecuted? Those who are tortured, imprisoned, or executed for Jesus have no hope and often no joy in this world or this life, but they do what they do anyway. They know that the things they do while they are in jail or beaten may have absolutely no effect. Hope drives them on. Does hopelessness allow them to accept it when it doesn’t happen?

Or is it just a much bigger kind of hope than I have yet experienced?

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The last month and a half or so have been kinda rough. I’ve been frustrated and disappointed more times than I care to share. Part of that is just parenting – I know from experience (i.e. looking back at what my parents had to deal with) that Cindy and I are not likely to see any results until sometime after the kids move out, if ever.

Yesterday I was reminded of something though. In one of my more recent past lives (at Im Jai) I had some very rough times too. I remember some nights being so frustrated with a lack of language or a lack of control or a lack of authority that I would just go outside, sit on one of the swings, and complain to God for half an hour about why I was there. Every time, he reassured me that he called me to this, and I trusted him then. Eventually I went back inside to be with the kids again, though looking back now I realize I just kinda coasted through, either to the weekend at Dave and Shirley’s or the longer coast to the new Im Jai House (and later, to not working there at all). To some extent, I had to coast. So many times there was just so little I could do, or maybe I was just unwilling to do it.

In any case, now I’m in a similar position to the extent that I feel like my authority has been undermined and some days I fear I’m just coasting past a series of misdemeanors in the parent-child relationship – letting them happen because I am afraid or unable to do anything about it. It’s not as bad as it was back then. For one, my Thai is significantly better. Also this is my house, and I do have a large amount of authority still and the ability to change things that aren’t working. I know the kids a lot better and, perhaps even more importantly, I know my coworkers much better (that’s Cindy, in case I lost you there).

It’s a better situation all around, and I’m a very different person than I was at Im Jai. But many of the feelings are the same. I am often tempted to escape rather than deal. But the same God that encouraged me back then is still here, and he’s still reminding me of that original calling. He is the one who brought these kids here – I can’t even pretend it was my idea. All I did was say yes. I know he will give me all that I need and more. It’s just good to remember that once in a while.

To go back to an old model I wrote up, I had thought I was into the final stage – in between the Work and the next Proposal, where I know what I’m doing. But now I think that I skipped some stages, because no new decision has been made that I am aware of, but I am definitely back into the Real Work. I guess working for God doesn’t exactly fit the model.

What a shock.

Well, my family’s gone now, but our Thai family is all back together again finally. Matt and Sandra came back from Bangkok in time to share a couple of days with the Heines, and Pan came back from her village just yesterday. She had to stay up there some extra days because her grandmother passed away. Her grandmother was taking care of her before us and is the one who wanted her to stay with us because she knew she wasn’t long for this world. Pray for Pan and her family.

The house is quieter (though by no means quiet) with the Heines gone, and we miss them. We had a good time while they were here. My Dad wrote a post about it and put up some of the many pictures that were taken while they were here. Some of what these pictures cover: Christmas day, Christmas dinner (which was an even larger affair than our Thanksgiving dinner), the Walking Street and Warorot Markets, the Chiang Dao caves, Alaypa and Lutiya’s village, the temple on Doi Suthep, the Mae Sa elephant camp, and our houses under construction. Have a look.

The kids loved my family once they got over their shyness. And I think they learned more English in a week than they have the whole time they’ve been living with us. So there’s a disadvantage to all this language learning we’ve got. Maybe we should have an intern here whose sole purpose is to not speak Thai but to spend time with the kids so they learn English. Who knows?

It was pretty amazing that all of them could come at once like that. It’d be nice if we could take our family out there, but it’s much easier for US citizens to travel here than the other way around. I don’t know if this kind of visit will ever happen here again, but we all hope it does someday.

I mean that when I say that. Don’t get in front of an Elephant! This was my first time ever being near an elephant and the last time I ever turn my back on one. I mean they seem like very good natured animals but they do like to get a little too close for comfort. This was my real expression that Prang was able to catch on camera.

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