Itsara

Tongue-tongue is sad because he has but one small tongue with which to taste the whole world.

I don’t know where he gets it…

I believe that going to the dentist is preparation for persecution. When China rules southeast Asia and arrests me for being a Christian, I’ll be that much more ready for interrogation.

A little stream of consciousness, but you’re used to that…

Sometimes I have doubts about what we’re doing. I mean, we came out here to take in Thai orphans, right? But here we are, two years in, with 3 kids: all American and one of them ours. Our kids speak English, have American citizenship – they even have a mom, for what it’s worth. They’re not poor, they’re only orphans in a technical sense… this is not what we imagined doing, so are we still doing God’s will?

We’ve learned, over and over again, that what we think we came here to do is not necessarily what God had in mind. I can look back and see what God has been doing, but the niggling doubts remain. What we’re doing now doesn’t actually require us to be in Thailand… does it?

Actually, I can see that it does, but in a strange sort of cosmic way. If we hadn’t dropped everything to move out here, we might not have been willing to take Sandra and Matthew in, and we certainly wouldn’t have had the time and energy to do what we’re doing with them. If we hadn’t moved out here, declaring our intentions to the world, their mom would never have asked us to take them in. If we hadn’t been working at Im Jai, we wouldn’t have learned Thai as fast as we did, we wouldn’t have learned as much about discipline as we did, we wouldn’t have changed our vision from orphanage to children’s home to home like we did.

And I can see where all of this is headed. God has been training us to parent in our native language, using kids who share difficulties that we’re likely to face in Thai orphans. We’ve got a house that’s too big for us, and we’re moving on plans to build something bigger. You don’t know this yet, but Im Jai is struggling to get approval for renewal of their license to do what they do, and if they don’t get it then the government will need to find homes for 50+ kids, which means… I don’t know. I don’t know, but I can see a future where this house is suddenly too small and where our Thai and our parenting skills are suddenly getting stretched to the limit…

But we’re not there yet. We may never get there. What if this is all we’ve got? What if our ministry is just these two kids, and we were wrong about the house, and we’re wrong about building in the rich, foreign community of World Club? What if we’re supposed to be doing things like the other missionaries, who are managing children’s homes instead of parenting them? Is that what we’re supposed to be here for? I can see this potential future that fits everything that’s happening, but it takes faith to trust that that, or something like it, is what we’re headed towards. Because I have no control over whether or not we get there.

Or do I? There’s the niggling (or “the rub”, for the British speaking). Don’t even get me started on the part where I’m not working to provide for my family.

ประจำวัน – (bprajam wan) (n.) a typical day.

Lately, I’ve been waking up at 6 something in the morning – usually because my Heine-brand alarm clock (I have the Isaac model) goes off around that time. Really, he goes off multiple times at night, but Cindy takes care of those (mainly cuz he’s hungry). I take care of the 6-in-the-morning alarm because I’m ready to wake up and I want Cindy to sleep (this is actually selfish – I need her to be well-rested so that I don’t have to handle the rest of the day alone).

I’ll take the boy downstairs, take a walk with him, and maybe check my e-mail (if he’ll let me) until around 7:30 or 8 when the other two wake up. At 8 is breakfast. Devotion at 8:30. School starts at 9. At least, that’s how it’s supposed to go. It hardly ever does.

From 9 until the afternoon, our day is spent juggling teaching, checking, correcting, planning, disciplining, cooking, and taking care of Isaac. We’ve got them doing a bunch of subjects, including Thai (reading/writing – they’re actually better at speaking than we are) and Music, though we rarely do Art. I don’t know how we do it everyday, and I don’t know how we’ll do it with another kid around, but it works and when God gives us more, it’ll work then too. I even occasionally manage to squeeze time in for other things I need to do (like this post).

After school we might go swimming, or Sean and Prang might come over, or we might stay home. Cindy might go food shopping. Matt might disappear to hang out with his friends. Sandra might watch a movie. I might write (if I’m lucky) or read or practice bass or play Torment.

A few months ago, Matt started playing guitar with our church’s worship band, and I started more recently, mostly singing and giving the main guitarist a break. We practice on Saturday mornings, then do family chores when we get home. On Sunday we go to an international church called House of Praise. Afterwards is our rest day. We found a Kiwi family that recently bought Settlers and Cities & Knights, and we’re training them on our other games as well. If we’re not playing with them, I’ll be reading or playing something else (though I won’t write – I choose not to create on Sundays). Sunday evenings we go to the local Vineyard “church” (really more like a large small group).

And that’s kinda our day. Obviously, every day’s different, and some more interesting than others, but hopefully you have an idea of what we do with our days. This parenting/homeschooling is really a full-time job, and I don’t know how we’ll do it with more kids, but God knows what he’s doing. Matt might go to school outside next year. We might get a Thai kid that is going to Thai school. Who knows? Only God, I guess.

STATUS
Reading: A Storm of Swords, George R. R. Martin
Writing: Travelers, Chapter 10, “Revelation”
Last Played: New York Chase, Ravensburger
Latest Nickname for Isaac: “Fancible”

This is not about the band, but about the day (even though it’s not actually called that). Yesterday Jesus died. Tomorrow he will live again, but today we remember the day without Jesus.

This morning I woke up from a dream in which a friend of mine had their own church, but something was wrong. Everybody in the church was so focused on themselves. The girl next to me was flirting with me while her husband, that she was tired of, sat right next to her. The pew in front of me was actually turned around so people had their backs to the pastor and the teaching. Not that it mattered, because the pastor was just talking about themself anyway. People worried about what others thought of them – the pastor more than any other. They were unforgiving to those who had slighted them. They cared little for any agenda but their own.

It was the church we all worship at. It is a church without Jesus – the Church of Self. We need to destroy that church. Our church and our worship and our lives are not about ourselves. They are about a man who gave up everything he had and was, who was beaten to within an inch of his life then nailed to a cross to take the rest, who was misunderstood and made fun of to the greatest extent we can imagine, yet who forgave those who did this to him… and who instructed those of us who believe in him to follow in his footsteps.

Jesus didn’t whine because people were talking about him behind his back. He didn’t withhold forgiveness because other people refused to forgive him, or because they weren’t listening to his side. He didn’t concern himself with what people thought of him. In fact, until the day he rose from the dead, nobody understood him. Even his closest friends, to the day he died, thought he was going to build a kingdom by defeating the Romans. But their misconceptions and ofttimes hatred didn’t stop him from teaching, from healing, from loving, and from dying for them.

We go to church and think it’s about us. How was worship for me? Was it a good experience? The sound was a little muddy, and I couldn’t really get into it. The guitar was out of tune; I was really distracted. They really should do something about that, otherwise how can anyone worship? What about the teaching, did it help me with my problems? I didn’t really understand where the pastor was going, but that was a good story about the kid with the bike. I just go for the fellowship anyway. I hear that so-and-so’s going out with that guy now. Did you see what he’s wearing today? Oh my gosh did you hear what she wrote on her blog the other day? Can you believe she said that?

And on and on and on. Where’s Jesus? Honestly, I see only the Pharisees in this picture. How do we look? How do we sound? Are people paying attention to us? Are they giving us the respect we deserve? In the meantime, our churches have become as bereft of Jesus as his tomb! He got up and left to continue his work, but we’re still in there waiting for him to come back. Or maybe because we know that’s the one place he won’t look for us…

This isn’t just about church, but our lives; Jesus healed when it wasn’t the Sabbath too. But if Jesus isn’t with us at church, why should he be with us the rest of the week? Most churches observe Sabbath on Sunday now instead of Saturday, but they’re no less black than the Day Without Jesus. Jesus forgave those who spat on him. He died for them. When will we do the same?