Yokes and Prebelievers
James talked about his struggle with the whole issue of Christian/non-Christian dating. A comment of mine turned out kinda long. I jokingly apologized for posting in his comment thread, but decided that it might be interesting here too. So here you go:
Here’s what I think. This is from my own theology, and from my own experience dating and consequently marrying a Christian. The cultural prohibition on Christian dating is not a hard and fast rule (I say “cultural prohibition” because it’s a rule that Christian culture has made based on an interpretation of the Biblical prohibition of being “yoked” to unbelievers – the Bible doesn’t say anything about dating).
However, I would say that it is a very good idea to avoid dating non-Christians. Actually before I say that I need to establish that my view on dating is that the whole point is to find someone to marry (if you disagree, or date differently, then what I say next may not apply). Assuming that, it follows that there’s no reason to date someone that you *know* you would have significant problems with down the line. Actually it’s dangerous to because of the human phenomenon of infatuation or “falling in love”. When the infatuation is over, you may wake up to find you have married someone that actually makes you a worse person, instead of a better one.
But it’s very hard to determine what you would have problems with down the line. Many seemingly big problems are actually quite dealable in a fully-committed relationship. Christianity *can* be one of them, but only if both people are fairly soft in their convictions. A person for whom Jesus Christ is the center, and for whom Christlikeness is the overarching goal, would find that life was very hard indeed if they married someone that thought these things were a nice hobby to have, rather than something to devote one’s life to.
Looking back, I now know that if I had dated, or later married, someone for whom Christ was not the center of their life, my life would have been either extremely difficult or would have slowly but surely slipped away from Christ. Cindy’s faith, which is honestly one of the very few things we have in common, drives and encourages me when I’m down. If I had married someone who thought that Christianity was fine for me, but not for her, that person would never, ever understand me. And while one human can never *truly* understand another, Cindy understands me more than any human on Earth precisely because the center of her life is also the center of mine. She encourages me towards the very goal I desire to reach, instead of merely tolerating it.
Oh, pooh. And I was getting comfortable with thinking only two or three people read my stuff. Oh, btw, she came to the Branch BBQ this past Saturday. We’ll see how things go…
Two things: (1) More people read your blog than you think and (2) Less people follow the links from my blog than you think.
Actually, I don’t know if either of those things are true, but if you’ve got a stat counter on your blog we can find out :-)
The marriage that mom and I are enjoying to the fullest is living proof that the God-centric and Christ-filled lives of the two of us has made it happen. We are the two most disparate people in the world but the happiest in our relationship with each other. And we know for a fact that it is God that is the glue that holds it together. My heart goes out to anyone who tries to venture this path without God in both lives – it just can’t work without a lot of pain for the reasons stated in your blog.
I really think it has to be evaluated on a case by case basis. Kaoru wasn’t a Christian for the first two years that we dated but I always knew that God had brought us together.
In general, I agree. I mean, I know of a number of people who became Christians through dating one. But I also have a number of friends who are no longer Christian, or who have slid into a sort of sleepy Christianity (that is all the rage these days in America), because they started dating a non-Christian against advice to the contrary. If it is to be done, it has to be handled with the greatest of care, because the risk is great – greater than most unmarried people realize.
Well, to be honest, when we started dating I was in the sleepy category myself. As our relationship grew more serious, I became more serious about my relationship with Jesus.
In a setting like the one Kaoru came from, I knew that I would have to be patient because she just didn’t have any of the cultural context (probably a good thing) to understand what it meant to be a Christian.
That’s the reason I always try to think about these things from a global perspective because many of us are called to work with other cultures and God may have someone there that just doesn’t know yet.
I love your story ray. Its encourageing. My friends are always surprised when they hear me say that I would date a non-christian. they think because of my mystical beliefs that I would always date Christians. I am not always sure of that.
p