Cindy’s Personal Update
Just wanted to share what’s going on with me personally…
God’s been doing lots of amazing things as usual. Specifically, He has been exposing a LOT of issues in me that really need healing and love. For those who are interested and/or want to pray, some of these issues include 1) serving people for the wrong reasons (i.e. not for Jesus), 2) unhealthy comparisons of people to others (judging people by some made-up standard in my mind), and 3) feeling the need to have responsibilities and do things (not knowing how to rest).
It’s strange how going through this is so hard and yet soooo good. When I’m first faced with the exposure of my shortcomings, I immediately get defensive and angry, usually with the person who brought it up (these days it’s God, Adam, or Sean). I just want to deny it and be done with it. But that doesn’t happen. God doesn’t let me go like that. He keeps digging deeper until I am really sick of myself and feeling pretty depressed. It could end like that, but it doesn’t. He’s too good! He then shows me over and over again of how much He loves me, not despite my shortcomings, but before my shortcomings ever existed, before the creation of the world, because He just does. And it’s because He loves me so much that I want to change, not to gain His love, but as a result of it.
The process of healing is painful, but entirely worth it. It reminds me of my “fights” with Adam. Some of those times are incredibly difficult and make me want to give up on everything. Those are the lowest and most depressing times. But when we get through it (because of God we always do), we’ve learned so much about ourselves and the other, and grow closer and become better.
I used to be scared of fighting with Adam, because it was just plain hard to deal with. But now, I don’t mind so much. I know that in the end, we’ll know each other better, we’ll love each other still, and everything will be “okay”. I think it’s the same with God. When He exposes hard issues in my life that He wants to heal, I used to be scared because it was too hard to deal with. Now, I know that in the end, I’ll know Him better, we’ll still love each other, and everything will be okay, and not just okay but WAY better.
Cindy, you and I are two peas from the same pod. I have always struggled with the same things you are struggling with. But don’t worry, this too soon shall pass. Now that my hair is white and I have learned the lesssons of life I am perfect - Yeah, don’t I wish, just ask mom!!! However, by going about it the way you are you are doing the right thing, you are allowing God to let you grow closer to Him. That is the key. Actually your items 2 and 3 have always been my biggest problem areas, quick to judge and impatient. However, I don’t judge quite as quickly anymore and am actually seeing a little more patience. Maybe its because as we get older our joints begin to ache more and we can’t move so quickly anymore :-). Although I would rather believe it is God doing a good work in me than that. My analogy of God digging deeper has always been, first He taps me on the shoulder, then He woops me upside the head, then He hits me with a 2×4 and, if necessary, a big beam. I will say, “Ouch, that hurts” but always come out of it much better. Thank God He is so patient and willing to work with us in spite of ourselves.
But you have hit the nail on the head, we need to be God-centric and not self-centric. A difficult lesson to learn and put into practice. I am finally beginning to learn to love mom “even as Christ loves the church” - unconditionally. You too will find that as both you and Adam make your marriage God-centric you will draw closer to Him and to each other. A tremendous prize to achieve and well worth the pain in getting there.
Just keep looking up and all will be ok, He has promised it.
Love,
Dad
Your in my prayers and thanks for opening up. That took a lot of courage.
pay
Cindy,
I’m so glad you shared that. I keep telling myself that everyday…to press on toward the prize and that these interactions and difficulties are just a means to be closer to those we care about and ultimately to Jesus. Jamie preached on reconciliation of relationships this Sunday. He said, we were made for reconciliation of relationships and restoration of our ultimate relationship with Jesus. You have just sealed the lesson in my heart, so thanks. Love you!
You know, it is funny how when there is nowhere to run or distract yourself, you end up having to face the garabage in your life, and then you realize that it isn’t garbage afterall but a build up of, wel, “stuff that ends up informing your thoughts and actions. As soon it is recognized, it tries to run away and hide, but it sounds like you aren’t letting it do so..you are walking into it and saying…”no more!” I am proud of you Cindy–there is a deep strength in you…
Bear
Hey Cindy,
don’t really know what to say, but it’s been great reading how you, Adam and Sean are doing.
Just a wee note on your third comment “feeling the need to have responsibilities and do things (not knowing how to rest).” We’ve been doing a series on rest at the Belfast city vineyard for the last 3 weeks, just talking about God’s plan for fruitfulness in our lives. Anyway the focus has been working from rest, not resting from work, and making sure we take at least 1 day off in the week for God. The main point the pastor made was do we trust God to do more with the six days remaining of our week than we can do with the seven days ourselves?
Well enough lecturing, and if that was totally off the mark, please forgive me :D
It’s really cool to see what you guys are doing, and i can’t wait to come visit.
Cheers,
Dave