Nebulous Rewards
One of the hardest things for me (and Cindy, I think) about this job is how little feedback there is. I am required on a daily basis to do seemingly meaningless tasks like chase Isaac around the house, play cards with Lutiya, ask Pan how her day was, fix bikes, sweep floors, change diapers, manage money, etc, etc. All without any sort of schedule, goal structure, yearly review, or even tangible reward.
What’s difficult is when we start asking “Why?” and “Are we doing enough?” We talk to other missionaries and start to think we should have, like, a ministry with meetings and evangelism and preaching and stuff.
That’s a job I can get my head around. Have so many regular meetings; measure success with attendance, altar call responses, discipleship groups; tell people at home that “We saved X souls this month!” I can understand that. I can measure it and improve.
I have no doubt that what we’re doing is valuable and worthwhile and is exactly what God has called us to do, but it’s hard to remember sometimes when you have to punish someone for the tenth time because they didn’t do their chore again.
I think sometimes I write to help me stay sane. To give me goals and deadlines and measurable progress. To help me feel like I’m accomplishing something.
It’s interesting to note, though, that I didn’t feel this way as much when our house was full, when Sandra and Matt and even Alaypa were here. That, of course, is why we’re praying and looking for more kids. Because whatever we feel about it, this is our job.









I have some bittersweet news. In June, Sandra will be going back to live with her mom in California.


